I am so excited about my classes.  I was asked to attend a backyard chicken class last month but things didn’t work out for me to attend that class.  To my surprise however, they did work out for me to begin aromatherapy classes.  I have since also registered for reflexology classes.  Have I mentioned how excited I am? 

I hope this is the beginning of a wonderful week for everyone.  I will be starting my reflexology courses this coming up weekend. 

Keep moving forward! 

Life is tooooooo short

As I sat at my desk this morning, reading the headlines on my home page….I started to cry.  I have family in Oklahoma and they are all safe but I can’t imagine what they are going through.  I have been in floods and the devastation does not end as the clean up does.  As the days go on, the rest of us will put this natural disaster out of our minds but the people of Oklahoma will be surrounded by constant reminders.  Please keep these people in your thoughts and prayers.  

Things I am learning…

When I returned home from my visit with my brother and sister in law, I was a bit defeated. However, I am learning more and more about what I want and what I do not.

I realized that they work for others and it works for them.  They make great money, they save and they have no children.  They travel and can do lots of things together.  They enjoy great food and drinks and being able to host others.

All those things are nice but they are not my life nor the direction that I want for myself.  I want to work for myself.  I would like to make good money and save some but I do have children and I enjoy them, most of the time.  I am laughing but I am also being real honest.  It is very important to me that my children see me happy and that they have a rounded world.  I do not want them to get hurt but I want them to live.  I want them to be able to play outside, regardless of their allergies, mosquitos, or the weather, within reason.  I want them to see that they do not have to work for anyone else to realize their dreams.  I want them to know that I will love them regardless of their career plans.

On Sunday, my brother made it a point to ask me if my son talks about what he wants to do.  I asked “like for a career and what college he wants to go to?” He said yes and I was dumbfounded.  I said that I do not push those decisions at this point and he got rather irritated with me and said “so you do not push him to think about his future?”  I did not argue with him but I wanted to say something about this being exactly why I did not want to move close to him and why I want to move away from our parents.  My son is 9 years old.  At this point, I know that he is going to work and be pressured for many, many years after he is an adult and I want him to be a kid while he is still a kid.

I have heard it said that you should never take travel advise from someone who has never left home and I am paying attention to the advice that I am receiving.  I have been home a few days now and things are sinking in.  I went there for positive reinforcement and I did not need too.  My plans are very different from how they live, so how can I expect them to offer advice on the life I want to live?

What a weekend….

My planning weekend didn’t go so well. L

When I got home from work on Thursday, I was exhausted, physically and mentally.  I was even considering not making my trip.  So, I went to bed early and got some sleep.

Friday started out with me still in a funk but I was going forward regardless of my emotional state.  I got my kids situated and after a couple of errands I decided to stop at a little coffee shop.  I sat outside, drank my coffee and read a book.  After about an hour, I decided that no matter what I got done at home I was going out of town.  I got a few things done and headed out.  When I got to my brothers they were just getting home from dinner.  He made a pitcher of margaritas and we visited for a couple of hours.

Saturday morning started with a meeting with their contractor, then breakfast and several hours of working on their new house.  That afternoon, we headed back to their other house for showers and dinner.  Dinner was at a quaint outdoor place.  They had a full menu of beers.  It was different for me but nice too.  I only drank one beer which turned out to be very high in alcohol content.  We headed back to their place where my brother whipped up another pitcher of his homemade margaritas.  The weather was nice so we all sat out on their patio and visited.

First came the conversation of why I am still single or as he asked “so what’s the bumper sticker version of why you and your daughter’s dad got a divorce?” The discomfort started.  This conversation was followed by the “so what are your plans for a new job?” “What are your finances and how do you think you can afford to move?”  It was nice to get some input but after a couple of pitchers of margaritas, I was getting very discouraged and feeling defeated.  This was not going according to my plan.  I was having a good time but I wanted input on how to move forward not a criticism of my past choices.  My sister in law was being a barrier for me until she fell asleep.  I headed to bed feeling a bit tipsy and hoping I wouldn’t get sick.

Sunday morning started with a “what’s on the agenda?” text message from me to my brother.  We agreed to get ready and head back to the other house for more demolition.  We worked for a few hours and then headed back for showers and I headed home.

It was a nice trip all in all.  I did get a few positive affirmations in the respect that they were impressed that I make the money I do and I am able to work my monthly budget by myself.  I did come home a bit defeated but after reflecting it was still forward movement.  I will elaborate in my next post.


I am taking a weekend off.  Off of work and away from my children.  I may let you all know what is going on but just in case, I thought I would give you a heads up now.  I am going out of town.  This is not a party weekend.  This is a planning weekend.  This is me getting away to evaluate my current plan.  Thanks to my mom who offered to keep my kids and suggested I go see my brother.  I will be in a semi-safe environment.  I say this because sometimes my brother is not  the most positive person either.  He does however make good money (working for someone else) and have a beautiful home.  He will be a great host for my planning weekend.  He will give advice and opinions and will listen to mine.

This will be a weekend of going forward planning.  I am looking forward to it. It has been over a year since I have planned something this far in advance.  This plan started on Sunday of this week.

Keep checking back and come along with me as we keep going forward from this.  🙂

Depression sucks

I am an emotional disorganized mess.  Yes, I left the comma out of that sentence on purpose.  By that I mean that I clean up my house or work area according to my emotions.  A friend told me once that he could always tell my emotional state according to the mess on my desk.  Well, I have been through so much in the last few months that I have not wanted to do anything.  Yesterday, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and my therapist.  I haven’t seen either since the fall of last year.

I am on medication for depression.

Depression is a horrible thing.  It creeps up on you.  I cannot say that it is like a dark cloud unless we are talking about one that moves in at night.  Most dark clouds you can see coming.  They appear on the horizon and you can say “That looks like a dark cloud coming this way.  I better take cover” but this dark cloud called depression….it gives no warning.  One day you are holding everything together and the next you are emotional or angry about everything or both.  By everything, I mean everything.  It does not matter how small.  Everything upsets you in some way.  I went through a stress filled year about three years ago.  I held it together, got back on track and was trucking along when wham! All the sudden I am crying about everything and what I was not crying about I was mad about.  I went to the doctor.  She asked what was going on and I started crying.  She took one more look at me and said “you are depressed.”  I looked back at her and once I composed myself a bit said “but about what? I went through all this stuff and now things are better”.  She explained that the human body will only work on adrenaline for so long and then it starts shutting down.  I had been under so much stress for so long that mentally my body couldn’t take it.  I went on medication that day.  It has helped.

I believe it is still helping but with all the thoughts and plans of leaving my current home, the harassment at work, the guy that I like accusing me of having an affair with the harassing supervisor, and an ex that finally stopped calling after months of me not taking his calls.  I haven’t been cleaning like I should.  My desk was a mess at work until last Friday when I did some major cleaning.

Cleaning at home is another story.  I don’t know how to get moving on it.  I do some, and then get irritated because I have let it pile up.  Then I get ugly with my kids for not helping me, especially when I do clean it up.  Then the cycle repeats.

It is getting a little bit better now that I am blogging and sharing my stories in hope of helping someone else.  My stories are what is or has gone on with me and are my side of the story.  I am sure the other parties involved have their own version of these events.  For now, I am only interested in helping others who may be going through something similar as me and hope that by me telling my side they will see that they are not alone.  We are all going forward from this and I hope that reading my version of “this” will help you or someone you know.

More History

As I mentioned in my first blog, Just start somewhere, I was not always like this.  I was happier and more positive with dreams and aspirations a long time ago.  The beginning of the self doubt started my senior year in high school.  It probably started before this but this was the most prevalent time I can remember thinking negative self thoughts.

When I was in high school, as soon as I could start dating I met this guy.  He was good looking.  He was in school.  His dad had his own business.  We started dating and then his dad asked me to come to work for him.  It was just on the weekends but it was great money for a high school kid.  It was a petting zoo company and we went all over the area.  Sometimes I got to work with my boyfriend and his dad and sometimes I worked with other crews.  I loved it.  I loved the animals, the people I worked with, and the kids that would visit the petting zoos.  My boyfriend and I did not go to the same school and this was before the days of everyone having a cell phone.  We would go days without talking but when we did it was hours on end.  We would see each other when we could.  We dated for over a year when I got a call from his step mom……

He was accused of molesting his two step-brothers.  I was devastated.  I think this is where my self-doubt really started.  I mean, really I dated someone for a year and did not know that he was capable of doing that.  Luckily, I was strong in my desire at the time to wait until I was married to have sex and we never did.  When he would push the issue I would tell him that I did not want my first time to be followed by a week of not talking and then wonder if I had done something wrong.  We broke up.  After almost a year we were in contact again.  We talked on the phone and he sent me a letter.  It took a while for me to get the letter and I remember standing in a Catholic priest office cussing because I had not gotten the letter.  When I did get it, I realized that he had put me on a pedestal.  I did not want to be on a pedestal.  I wanted to get past it.  I wanted to know that he was ok.  I think what I wanted to know was that he did not do it, that we were both ok and that I had not made a bad decision in feeling the way I did for him.  I did not get any of that reassurance and years later he was prosecuted, convicted and is still in prison.

I remember the story being on the news and me thinking, finally I can talk about it openly.  It is still hard to believe that I had no clue.  But all of this is part of who I am and how I got where I am.  This helps to me to understand how people can be affected even when the action was not done directly to them.

I have gone forward for years and I keep going forward from this and many other things in my life that are and have been difficult.  I am living proof that you can too.