Just start somewhere

I am not sure where to start with all this.  I am new to blogging and this poses a dilemma for me.

In the past, I wouldn’t consider myself a perfectionist but these days I have to wonder.  I find fault in many things.  I am negative about things that I do.  I am negative about things that I’m not doing because I am not doing them.  Sometimes I find fault in silly little stuff, other times it is big things. Lol, well at least they seem big to me.  Usually, the faults I find are with everything that I do but sometimes it is in other people’s work.  More often than not, I get so wrapped up in the idea that something I do might be messed up, that I won’t even bother trying.

A friend of mine encouraged me to write this blog.

You see, I am so worried about messing things up because my mom will find fault in just about anything that I do.  I can clean something spotless but when she walks in she will find something wrong.  I have two kids and while she praises me for some things, she points out things that I’m not doing right.  I’m not really doing things wrong, last time I checked my children weren’t delivered with instruction manuals.  I might actually be doing everything right but I am not doing things the way she wants them done.  She doesn’t have any control over it so she has to say something to make me second guess myself.

Evidently, I haven’t always been like this.  I do remember when I was in high school and I was set on going to college.  It was a major university that was an hour and a half away from home.  I couldn’t wait to leave home.  I had a boyfriend that I had dated for a while and we had even talked about marrying when I finished school but half way through my senior year we broke up.  That story will have to wait.  Back to me having confidence that somewhere along the line I lost.

I worked hard to get into the college that I just had to go to.  It even took me a year to figure out that my parents weren’t there to control me.  My parents were very protective when I was growing up and I guess I was determined to get out of their house.  So I did.  It was great….then a friend from high school died and my grandfather died, all in the same weekend, my ex boyfriend from high school contacted me, I had to deal with all this and then I realized that I didn’t have mom and dad telling me where I could go and what I could do.  I started drinking.  I wasn’t taking classes because it was summer and I had gone to school from the fall of my senior year until the summer after my freshman year in college.  I was working but I was running up bills.  By the time fall rolled around, I had debt that I couldn’t figure out how to pay and I was back in classes.  My dad gave me a speech about making the grades and he would figure out the money but I knew he couldn’t afford my school.  So during Christmas break, he told me that I was moving home.  No choice, no discussion.  Just packed up….well kind of packed….if you call boxes and garbage bags packed.  You see because I had no choice I didn’t know that I was moving home until he told me and we went to get my things.  I was angry but I had no job, they had bought my car for me, I didn’t make the grades and I couldn’t argue.  I was raised to respect my elders and my parents, so I didn’t argue.  I moved home and found a job.

That was quite some time ago….but it was the beginning of a pattern.

I am working on breaking this pattern.  The post that will follow will not only give you more insight to who I am and how I got where I am but they will also show you how I am changing and how you can too.  I am not sure where to start so I am just starting somewhere.

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4 thoughts on “Just start somewhere

  1. I am here, not only for you as a friend but for you as support. This journey you are about to take on is the first step towards YOUR true happiness. I will be here every step, stumble, and stride along the way. If there is one thing you can count on is you will not have to do this alone..

  2. I admire your honesty and your willingness to take this journey. I, too, am working at breaking bad patterns in life…mostly bad thought patterns, but sometimes the hardest ones to break are the ones we can’t see. I wish you blessings as you go forward!

    • Thank you for the kind words and blessings. Please keep me posted on your progress. I agree the bad thought patterns are hard to get past. I read your post from today and I am excited for your. Sorry for your disappointment but sounds like good things are coming your way. Yes, God does have a plan. Blessings in return!

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