I am not sure where to start with all this. I am new to blogging and this poses a dilemma for me.
In the past, I wouldn’t consider myself a perfectionist but these days I have to wonder. I find fault in many things. I am negative about things that I do. I am negative about things that I’m not doing because I am not doing them. Sometimes I find fault in silly little stuff, other times it is big things. Lol, well at least they seem big to me. Usually, the faults I find are with everything that I do but sometimes it is in other people’s work. More often than not, I get so wrapped up in the idea that something I do might be messed up, that I won’t even bother trying.
A friend of mine encouraged me to write this blog.
You see, I am so worried about messing things up because my mom will find fault in just about anything that I do. I can clean something spotless but when she walks in she will find something wrong. I have two kids and while she praises me for some things, she points out things that I’m not doing right. I’m not really doing things wrong, last time I checked my children weren’t delivered with instruction manuals. I might actually be doing everything right but I am not doing things the way she wants them done. She doesn’t have any control over it so she has to say something to make me second guess myself.
Evidently, I haven’t always been like this. I do remember when I was in high school and I was set on going to college. It was a major university that was an hour and a half away from home. I couldn’t wait to leave home. I had a boyfriend that I had dated for a while and we had even talked about marrying when I finished school but half way through my senior year we broke up. That story will have to wait. Back to me having confidence that somewhere along the line I lost.
I worked hard to get into the college that I just had to go to. It even took me a year to figure out that my parents weren’t there to control me. My parents were very protective when I was growing up and I guess I was determined to get out of their house. So I did. It was great….then a friend from high school died and my grandfather died, all in the same weekend, my ex boyfriend from high school contacted me, I had to deal with all this and then I realized that I didn’t have mom and dad telling me where I could go and what I could do. I started drinking. I wasn’t taking classes because it was summer and I had gone to school from the fall of my senior year until the summer after my freshman year in college. I was working but I was running up bills. By the time fall rolled around, I had debt that I couldn’t figure out how to pay and I was back in classes. My dad gave me a speech about making the grades and he would figure out the money but I knew he couldn’t afford my school. So during Christmas break, he told me that I was moving home. No choice, no discussion. Just packed up….well kind of packed….if you call boxes and garbage bags packed. You see because I had no choice I didn’t know that I was moving home until he told me and we went to get my things. I was angry but I had no job, they had bought my car for me, I didn’t make the grades and I couldn’t argue. I was raised to respect my elders and my parents, so I didn’t argue. I moved home and found a job.
That was quite some time ago….but it was the beginning of a pattern.
I am working on breaking this pattern. The post that will follow will not only give you more insight to who I am and how I got where I am but they will also show you how I am changing and how you can too. I am not sure where to start so I am just starting somewhere.