I am an emotional disorganized mess. Yes, I left the comma out of that sentence on purpose. By that I mean that I clean up my house or work area according to my emotions. A friend told me once that he could always tell my emotional state according to the mess on my desk. Well, I have been through so much in the last few months that I have not wanted to do anything. Yesterday, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and my therapist. I haven’t seen either since the fall of last year.
I am on medication for depression.
Depression is a horrible thing. It creeps up on you. I cannot say that it is like a dark cloud unless we are talking about one that moves in at night. Most dark clouds you can see coming. They appear on the horizon and you can say “That looks like a dark cloud coming this way. I better take cover” but this dark cloud called depression….it gives no warning. One day you are holding everything together and the next you are emotional or angry about everything or both. By everything, I mean everything. It does not matter how small. Everything upsets you in some way. I went through a stress filled year about three years ago. I held it together, got back on track and was trucking along when wham! All the sudden I am crying about everything and what I was not crying about I was mad about. I went to the doctor. She asked what was going on and I started crying. She took one more look at me and said “you are depressed.” I looked back at her and once I composed myself a bit said “but about what? I went through all this stuff and now things are better”. She explained that the human body will only work on adrenaline for so long and then it starts shutting down. I had been under so much stress for so long that mentally my body couldn’t take it. I went on medication that day. It has helped.
I believe it is still helping but with all the thoughts and plans of leaving my current home, the harassment at work, the guy that I like accusing me of having an affair with the harassing supervisor, and an ex that finally stopped calling after months of me not taking his calls. I haven’t been cleaning like I should. My desk was a mess at work until last Friday when I did some major cleaning.
Cleaning at home is another story. I don’t know how to get moving on it. I do some, and then get irritated because I have let it pile up. Then I get ugly with my kids for not helping me, especially when I do clean it up. Then the cycle repeats.
It is getting a little bit better now that I am blogging and sharing my stories in hope of helping someone else. My stories are what is or has gone on with me and are my side of the story. I am sure the other parties involved have their own version of these events. For now, I am only interested in helping others who may be going through something similar as me and hope that by me telling my side they will see that they are not alone. We are all going forward from this and I hope that reading my version of “this” will help you or someone you know.