A little bit of positivity

I have posted so many negative things going on that I wanted to post a few positive things.

I am going forward from this but it is a slow process.  It is so slow that it is more like a crawl and I don’t mean like a baby crawls.  I mean like a turtle or a snail or slug.  “Slow and steady wins the race”, right? I sure hope so because this is slow but steady progress.

A while back I opened an eBay account.  I believe that people make money on eBay and I wanted to sell things around my house with a future goal of purchasing items on sale or clearance and selling those items.  I sold some items but then quit doing it.  A little over a week ago, I listed 4 items on eBay.  All of those items have sold and I will be shipping them out tomorrow.  I hadn’t listed anything for over a year and I think this is just further confirmation that I am headed in the right direction.

On April 8th, I purchased Be a Free Range Human by Marianne Cantwell.  I had previously started reading a sample of it and completed the purchase on this day.  I have found, and it has been said that the only way to get the most out of this type of book is to do the exercises.  I have been doing them.  This book is wonderful.  I highly recommend it to anyone thinking of leaving the “job” world or if you are thinking of starting a side business.  It is an easy read and the exercises are great.  They are revealing and definite confirmation if you have ever done any exercises like this before.

I am going forward from all this.  Stick with me and we will do this together.  If you are looking to go forward from this (whatever “this” might be for you), keep reading and moving even if it is at a snails’ pace.

Hypocrisy

Hypocrite as defined by the Merriam-Webster is…

1) a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2) a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.

Tonight instead of sitting in on a sermon, I took my children to their classes and then I excused myself so that I could write.    I was so angry from my day that I couldn’t listen to anything else.  All I could think of is that I am surrounded by (and probably am one) hypocrites.

To clarify, I work for a friend from school.  He and his wife invited me and my children to church last October.  We went and my kids love it.  Now please don’t get me wrong, I like it too.  I like the people.  I love the sermons.  I do not like the fact that I work with and go to church with these people.  They just hired two other people that go to church with us.  I am all for helping others and the people seem to be doing a good job.  What I am not for is the fact that the owners come in and act vengeful, childish, and ignorant.  They, well the man, are quick to tell people what a “Christian” he is.  I am not writing this to offend anyone.  Please do not take this wrong.  I have always believed in God.  Please do not judge me but I was raised with 1/2 of my family as Catholics and the other 1/2 Methodist.  I also believe in saints, some Native American customs, the healing power of stones and colors, some astrology, some numerology, reflexology, cultures, and the great county that I live in and my ability to believe in all these things and more.   I also believe that we are all free to believe what we want.  Thank you to my father and other family members as well as any and all members of our military who fight for these rights that we enjoy here in the wonderful United States of America.

What I do not believe is that anyone should push their beliefs on to other people nor do I believe that anyone should walk around telling others how “Christian” that they are especially when their actions to not match that.  If you lie, cause chaos, are bitter, act in a vengeful way, are prejudice, and make an uncomfortable work environment for your employees, you might not be a Christian.  As owners, regardless of religious affiliation, you should be setting an example for everyone that works for you.  If you are a “Christian”, than you should be setting that example also.  Some people that I work with will not go to any church because working like this has turned them off.

I have questioned myself about all of these things and if this is what going to church and being Christian is, then I would rather go back to not attending.  How can people who preach to others about going to church and the bible be so mean? Do they not hear themselves?  What I have heard while attending this church is uplifting messages.  We should be lifting each other up and loving one another.  Not cutting people down.  We should not be angry or vengeful and faultfinding towards those who are flourishing.  If someone is helping the company and general morale of the company, shouldn’t we be building them up?

This is where I question if I am also a hypocrite.  I love these people.  Genuinely love and care about these people but because I work for them I won’t say anything to them about all the above issues.  In the past I have gotten caught up in the bitterness.  I have continually pointed out others faults under the direction of my bosses who used the fact that I am an assistant to them as an excuse for my behavior.  Am I wrong?  Should I say to them that I do not feel comfortable doing that anymore?  If I do say something, will my job be in jeopardy? If I don’t, will my soul?  Am I a hypocrite because I am judging them for their behavior?

I am angry, not with them but with myself because I have allowed myself to be put in this position. Maybe this is all part of the journey of figuring out who I am.  Maybe this is God’s way for showing me what I don’t want to be.  Maybe this is part of God’s plan to help me move forward and get out from under all this.  I’m not sure.  I do not believe that I am a hypocrite.  I do believe that I am right in loving these people.  I am a firm believer in 1 Cor 13; 13.

This post is not meant to offend anyone nor is it meant to judge anyone.  It is merely to help me and others out there in the world move forward.  In order for me to move forward I must get all of these things out in the open.  I hope that this post will also help others to see that they are not alone.

Please bear with me as these random things are posted.  Thank you for going forward with me.

I want….

Today was a hard day.  Not hard emotionally or physically, just hard because I did not want to be at work.  I wanted to be home, posting on here, cleaning house, making jewelry and listing things on eBay.  Yes, I am a multi-tasker.  I must have noise in the back ground but it has to be appropriate to what I am doing.  Like right now, I am watching re-runs of Criminal Minds (one of my favorite shows), I have eBay mobile open and I’m listing items while typing this.

My mentor discusses something she calls “multiple profit centers”.  I am working on it.  I am tired of working for someone else.  I want to make this work without a job, at least one where I am working my tail off to make someone else’s dreams come true.  It is time for my dreams to start coming true.  Two of my mentors have children and they ran their own businesses when they were raising their children and still run those businesses today.  So I know this can be done despite what all the critics and naysayers tell me.  I am working on it.  I am not only doing all of that but I am attempting to simplify my world.

Part of simplifying my world is to get rid of things that are just taking up space.  You see I have a life-long dream of having a small farm.  I want gardens and goats, rabbits and chickens.  I don’t want a big place just something small.  I thought I found that.  I rented a piece of property that I later signed papers on to purchase.  It has an old mobile home on it but it is almost ½ acre and plenty of room for what I want.  There is one HUGE obstacle.  My parents live on one side of me.  Now to clarify, I am not buying the place from them but they are right here.  It was nice for a while.  It has however, stifled me! I do not like it these days.

I want to dress how I want to dress and not have to listen to my mom tell me that it….shows too much, is too tight, does not match, that I need to do something with my hair, that it looks dry, that it looks oily, that my color is “okay”….I want to figure out who I am.  I want my children to be able to play outside.  I want my children to see me happy and for them to be happy.  I want to plant gardens in my front yard.  I want to have my dogs in the house when I want them there.  I have to change a lot of things in my world and theirs.  This is just the beginning of things to come.

 

Just start somewhere

I am not sure where to start with all this.  I am new to blogging and this poses a dilemma for me.

In the past, I wouldn’t consider myself a perfectionist but these days I have to wonder.  I find fault in many things.  I am negative about things that I do.  I am negative about things that I’m not doing because I am not doing them.  Sometimes I find fault in silly little stuff, other times it is big things. Lol, well at least they seem big to me.  Usually, the faults I find are with everything that I do but sometimes it is in other people’s work.  More often than not, I get so wrapped up in the idea that something I do might be messed up, that I won’t even bother trying.

A friend of mine encouraged me to write this blog.

You see, I am so worried about messing things up because my mom will find fault in just about anything that I do.  I can clean something spotless but when she walks in she will find something wrong.  I have two kids and while she praises me for some things, she points out things that I’m not doing right.  I’m not really doing things wrong, last time I checked my children weren’t delivered with instruction manuals.  I might actually be doing everything right but I am not doing things the way she wants them done.  She doesn’t have any control over it so she has to say something to make me second guess myself.

Evidently, I haven’t always been like this.  I do remember when I was in high school and I was set on going to college.  It was a major university that was an hour and a half away from home.  I couldn’t wait to leave home.  I had a boyfriend that I had dated for a while and we had even talked about marrying when I finished school but half way through my senior year we broke up.  That story will have to wait.  Back to me having confidence that somewhere along the line I lost.

I worked hard to get into the college that I just had to go to.  It even took me a year to figure out that my parents weren’t there to control me.  My parents were very protective when I was growing up and I guess I was determined to get out of their house.  So I did.  It was great….then a friend from high school died and my grandfather died, all in the same weekend, my ex boyfriend from high school contacted me, I had to deal with all this and then I realized that I didn’t have mom and dad telling me where I could go and what I could do.  I started drinking.  I wasn’t taking classes because it was summer and I had gone to school from the fall of my senior year until the summer after my freshman year in college.  I was working but I was running up bills.  By the time fall rolled around, I had debt that I couldn’t figure out how to pay and I was back in classes.  My dad gave me a speech about making the grades and he would figure out the money but I knew he couldn’t afford my school.  So during Christmas break, he told me that I was moving home.  No choice, no discussion.  Just packed up….well kind of packed….if you call boxes and garbage bags packed.  You see because I had no choice I didn’t know that I was moving home until he told me and we went to get my things.  I was angry but I had no job, they had bought my car for me, I didn’t make the grades and I couldn’t argue.  I was raised to respect my elders and my parents, so I didn’t argue.  I moved home and found a job.

That was quite some time ago….but it was the beginning of a pattern.

I am working on breaking this pattern.  The post that will follow will not only give you more insight to who I am and how I got where I am but they will also show you how I am changing and how you can too.  I am not sure where to start so I am just starting somewhere.