What a weekend….

My planning weekend didn’t go so well. L

When I got home from work on Thursday, I was exhausted, physically and mentally.  I was even considering not making my trip.  So, I went to bed early and got some sleep.

Friday started out with me still in a funk but I was going forward regardless of my emotional state.  I got my kids situated and after a couple of errands I decided to stop at a little coffee shop.  I sat outside, drank my coffee and read a book.  After about an hour, I decided that no matter what I got done at home I was going out of town.  I got a few things done and headed out.  When I got to my brothers they were just getting home from dinner.  He made a pitcher of margaritas and we visited for a couple of hours.

Saturday morning started with a meeting with their contractor, then breakfast and several hours of working on their new house.  That afternoon, we headed back to their other house for showers and dinner.  Dinner was at a quaint outdoor place.  They had a full menu of beers.  It was different for me but nice too.  I only drank one beer which turned out to be very high in alcohol content.  We headed back to their place where my brother whipped up another pitcher of his homemade margaritas.  The weather was nice so we all sat out on their patio and visited.

First came the conversation of why I am still single or as he asked “so what’s the bumper sticker version of why you and your daughter’s dad got a divorce?” The discomfort started.  This conversation was followed by the “so what are your plans for a new job?” “What are your finances and how do you think you can afford to move?”  It was nice to get some input but after a couple of pitchers of margaritas, I was getting very discouraged and feeling defeated.  This was not going according to my plan.  I was having a good time but I wanted input on how to move forward not a criticism of my past choices.  My sister in law was being a barrier for me until she fell asleep.  I headed to bed feeling a bit tipsy and hoping I wouldn’t get sick.

Sunday morning started with a “what’s on the agenda?” text message from me to my brother.  We agreed to get ready and head back to the other house for more demolition.  We worked for a few hours and then headed back for showers and I headed home.

It was a nice trip all in all.  I did get a few positive affirmations in the respect that they were impressed that I make the money I do and I am able to work my monthly budget by myself.  I did come home a bit defeated but after reflecting it was still forward movement.  I will elaborate in my next post.

Depression sucks

I am an emotional disorganized mess.  Yes, I left the comma out of that sentence on purpose.  By that I mean that I clean up my house or work area according to my emotions.  A friend told me once that he could always tell my emotional state according to the mess on my desk.  Well, I have been through so much in the last few months that I have not wanted to do anything.  Yesterday, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and my therapist.  I haven’t seen either since the fall of last year.

I am on medication for depression.

Depression is a horrible thing.  It creeps up on you.  I cannot say that it is like a dark cloud unless we are talking about one that moves in at night.  Most dark clouds you can see coming.  They appear on the horizon and you can say “That looks like a dark cloud coming this way.  I better take cover” but this dark cloud called depression….it gives no warning.  One day you are holding everything together and the next you are emotional or angry about everything or both.  By everything, I mean everything.  It does not matter how small.  Everything upsets you in some way.  I went through a stress filled year about three years ago.  I held it together, got back on track and was trucking along when wham! All the sudden I am crying about everything and what I was not crying about I was mad about.  I went to the doctor.  She asked what was going on and I started crying.  She took one more look at me and said “you are depressed.”  I looked back at her and once I composed myself a bit said “but about what? I went through all this stuff and now things are better”.  She explained that the human body will only work on adrenaline for so long and then it starts shutting down.  I had been under so much stress for so long that mentally my body couldn’t take it.  I went on medication that day.  It has helped.

I believe it is still helping but with all the thoughts and plans of leaving my current home, the harassment at work, the guy that I like accusing me of having an affair with the harassing supervisor, and an ex that finally stopped calling after months of me not taking his calls.  I haven’t been cleaning like I should.  My desk was a mess at work until last Friday when I did some major cleaning.

Cleaning at home is another story.  I don’t know how to get moving on it.  I do some, and then get irritated because I have let it pile up.  Then I get ugly with my kids for not helping me, especially when I do clean it up.  Then the cycle repeats.

It is getting a little bit better now that I am blogging and sharing my stories in hope of helping someone else.  My stories are what is or has gone on with me and are my side of the story.  I am sure the other parties involved have their own version of these events.  For now, I am only interested in helping others who may be going through something similar as me and hope that by me telling my side they will see that they are not alone.  We are all going forward from this and I hope that reading my version of “this” will help you or someone you know.