Things I am learning…

When I returned home from my visit with my brother and sister in law, I was a bit defeated. However, I am learning more and more about what I want and what I do not.

I realized that they work for others and it works for them.  They make great money, they save and they have no children.  They travel and can do lots of things together.  They enjoy great food and drinks and being able to host others.

All those things are nice but they are not my life nor the direction that I want for myself.  I want to work for myself.  I would like to make good money and save some but I do have children and I enjoy them, most of the time.  I am laughing but I am also being real honest.  It is very important to me that my children see me happy and that they have a rounded world.  I do not want them to get hurt but I want them to live.  I want them to be able to play outside, regardless of their allergies, mosquitos, or the weather, within reason.  I want them to see that they do not have to work for anyone else to realize their dreams.  I want them to know that I will love them regardless of their career plans.

On Sunday, my brother made it a point to ask me if my son talks about what he wants to do.  I asked “like for a career and what college he wants to go to?” He said yes and I was dumbfounded.  I said that I do not push those decisions at this point and he got rather irritated with me and said “so you do not push him to think about his future?”  I did not argue with him but I wanted to say something about this being exactly why I did not want to move close to him and why I want to move away from our parents.  My son is 9 years old.  At this point, I know that he is going to work and be pressured for many, many years after he is an adult and I want him to be a kid while he is still a kid.

I have heard it said that you should never take travel advise from someone who has never left home and I am paying attention to the advice that I am receiving.  I have been home a few days now and things are sinking in.  I went there for positive reinforcement and I did not need too.  My plans are very different from how they live, so how can I expect them to offer advice on the life I want to live?

What a weekend….

My planning weekend didn’t go so well. L

When I got home from work on Thursday, I was exhausted, physically and mentally.  I was even considering not making my trip.  So, I went to bed early and got some sleep.

Friday started out with me still in a funk but I was going forward regardless of my emotional state.  I got my kids situated and after a couple of errands I decided to stop at a little coffee shop.  I sat outside, drank my coffee and read a book.  After about an hour, I decided that no matter what I got done at home I was going out of town.  I got a few things done and headed out.  When I got to my brothers they were just getting home from dinner.  He made a pitcher of margaritas and we visited for a couple of hours.

Saturday morning started with a meeting with their contractor, then breakfast and several hours of working on their new house.  That afternoon, we headed back to their other house for showers and dinner.  Dinner was at a quaint outdoor place.  They had a full menu of beers.  It was different for me but nice too.  I only drank one beer which turned out to be very high in alcohol content.  We headed back to their place where my brother whipped up another pitcher of his homemade margaritas.  The weather was nice so we all sat out on their patio and visited.

First came the conversation of why I am still single or as he asked “so what’s the bumper sticker version of why you and your daughter’s dad got a divorce?” The discomfort started.  This conversation was followed by the “so what are your plans for a new job?” “What are your finances and how do you think you can afford to move?”  It was nice to get some input but after a couple of pitchers of margaritas, I was getting very discouraged and feeling defeated.  This was not going according to my plan.  I was having a good time but I wanted input on how to move forward not a criticism of my past choices.  My sister in law was being a barrier for me until she fell asleep.  I headed to bed feeling a bit tipsy and hoping I wouldn’t get sick.

Sunday morning started with a “what’s on the agenda?” text message from me to my brother.  We agreed to get ready and head back to the other house for more demolition.  We worked for a few hours and then headed back for showers and I headed home.

It was a nice trip all in all.  I did get a few positive affirmations in the respect that they were impressed that I make the money I do and I am able to work my monthly budget by myself.  I did come home a bit defeated but after reflecting it was still forward movement.  I will elaborate in my next post.

Planning

I am taking a weekend off.  Off of work and away from my children.  I may let you all know what is going on but just in case, I thought I would give you a heads up now.  I am going out of town.  This is not a party weekend.  This is a planning weekend.  This is me getting away to evaluate my current plan.  Thanks to my mom who offered to keep my kids and suggested I go see my brother.  I will be in a semi-safe environment.  I say this because sometimes my brother is not  the most positive person either.  He does however make good money (working for someone else) and have a beautiful home.  He will be a great host for my planning weekend.  He will give advice and opinions and will listen to mine.

This will be a weekend of going forward planning.  I am looking forward to it. It has been over a year since I have planned something this far in advance.  This plan started on Sunday of this week.

Keep checking back and come along with me as we keep going forward from this.  🙂

Depression sucks

I am an emotional disorganized mess.  Yes, I left the comma out of that sentence on purpose.  By that I mean that I clean up my house or work area according to my emotions.  A friend told me once that he could always tell my emotional state according to the mess on my desk.  Well, I have been through so much in the last few months that I have not wanted to do anything.  Yesterday, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and my therapist.  I haven’t seen either since the fall of last year.

I am on medication for depression.

Depression is a horrible thing.  It creeps up on you.  I cannot say that it is like a dark cloud unless we are talking about one that moves in at night.  Most dark clouds you can see coming.  They appear on the horizon and you can say “That looks like a dark cloud coming this way.  I better take cover” but this dark cloud called depression….it gives no warning.  One day you are holding everything together and the next you are emotional or angry about everything or both.  By everything, I mean everything.  It does not matter how small.  Everything upsets you in some way.  I went through a stress filled year about three years ago.  I held it together, got back on track and was trucking along when wham! All the sudden I am crying about everything and what I was not crying about I was mad about.  I went to the doctor.  She asked what was going on and I started crying.  She took one more look at me and said “you are depressed.”  I looked back at her and once I composed myself a bit said “but about what? I went through all this stuff and now things are better”.  She explained that the human body will only work on adrenaline for so long and then it starts shutting down.  I had been under so much stress for so long that mentally my body couldn’t take it.  I went on medication that day.  It has helped.

I believe it is still helping but with all the thoughts and plans of leaving my current home, the harassment at work, the guy that I like accusing me of having an affair with the harassing supervisor, and an ex that finally stopped calling after months of me not taking his calls.  I haven’t been cleaning like I should.  My desk was a mess at work until last Friday when I did some major cleaning.

Cleaning at home is another story.  I don’t know how to get moving on it.  I do some, and then get irritated because I have let it pile up.  Then I get ugly with my kids for not helping me, especially when I do clean it up.  Then the cycle repeats.

It is getting a little bit better now that I am blogging and sharing my stories in hope of helping someone else.  My stories are what is or has gone on with me and are my side of the story.  I am sure the other parties involved have their own version of these events.  For now, I am only interested in helping others who may be going through something similar as me and hope that by me telling my side they will see that they are not alone.  We are all going forward from this and I hope that reading my version of “this” will help you or someone you know.

A little bit of positivity

I have posted so many negative things going on that I wanted to post a few positive things.

I am going forward from this but it is a slow process.  It is so slow that it is more like a crawl and I don’t mean like a baby crawls.  I mean like a turtle or a snail or slug.  “Slow and steady wins the race”, right? I sure hope so because this is slow but steady progress.

A while back I opened an eBay account.  I believe that people make money on eBay and I wanted to sell things around my house with a future goal of purchasing items on sale or clearance and selling those items.  I sold some items but then quit doing it.  A little over a week ago, I listed 4 items on eBay.  All of those items have sold and I will be shipping them out tomorrow.  I hadn’t listed anything for over a year and I think this is just further confirmation that I am headed in the right direction.

On April 8th, I purchased Be a Free Range Human by Marianne Cantwell.  I had previously started reading a sample of it and completed the purchase on this day.  I have found, and it has been said that the only way to get the most out of this type of book is to do the exercises.  I have been doing them.  This book is wonderful.  I highly recommend it to anyone thinking of leaving the “job” world or if you are thinking of starting a side business.  It is an easy read and the exercises are great.  They are revealing and definite confirmation if you have ever done any exercises like this before.

I am going forward from all this.  Stick with me and we will do this together.  If you are looking to go forward from this (whatever “this” might be for you), keep reading and moving even if it is at a snails’ pace.

I want….

Today was a hard day.  Not hard emotionally or physically, just hard because I did not want to be at work.  I wanted to be home, posting on here, cleaning house, making jewelry and listing things on eBay.  Yes, I am a multi-tasker.  I must have noise in the back ground but it has to be appropriate to what I am doing.  Like right now, I am watching re-runs of Criminal Minds (one of my favorite shows), I have eBay mobile open and I’m listing items while typing this.

My mentor discusses something she calls “multiple profit centers”.  I am working on it.  I am tired of working for someone else.  I want to make this work without a job, at least one where I am working my tail off to make someone else’s dreams come true.  It is time for my dreams to start coming true.  Two of my mentors have children and they ran their own businesses when they were raising their children and still run those businesses today.  So I know this can be done despite what all the critics and naysayers tell me.  I am working on it.  I am not only doing all of that but I am attempting to simplify my world.

Part of simplifying my world is to get rid of things that are just taking up space.  You see I have a life-long dream of having a small farm.  I want gardens and goats, rabbits and chickens.  I don’t want a big place just something small.  I thought I found that.  I rented a piece of property that I later signed papers on to purchase.  It has an old mobile home on it but it is almost ½ acre and plenty of room for what I want.  There is one HUGE obstacle.  My parents live on one side of me.  Now to clarify, I am not buying the place from them but they are right here.  It was nice for a while.  It has however, stifled me! I do not like it these days.

I want to dress how I want to dress and not have to listen to my mom tell me that it….shows too much, is too tight, does not match, that I need to do something with my hair, that it looks dry, that it looks oily, that my color is “okay”….I want to figure out who I am.  I want my children to be able to play outside.  I want my children to see me happy and for them to be happy.  I want to plant gardens in my front yard.  I want to have my dogs in the house when I want them there.  I have to change a lot of things in my world and theirs.  This is just the beginning of things to come.

 

Just start somewhere

I am not sure where to start with all this.  I am new to blogging and this poses a dilemma for me.

In the past, I wouldn’t consider myself a perfectionist but these days I have to wonder.  I find fault in many things.  I am negative about things that I do.  I am negative about things that I’m not doing because I am not doing them.  Sometimes I find fault in silly little stuff, other times it is big things. Lol, well at least they seem big to me.  Usually, the faults I find are with everything that I do but sometimes it is in other people’s work.  More often than not, I get so wrapped up in the idea that something I do might be messed up, that I won’t even bother trying.

A friend of mine encouraged me to write this blog.

You see, I am so worried about messing things up because my mom will find fault in just about anything that I do.  I can clean something spotless but when she walks in she will find something wrong.  I have two kids and while she praises me for some things, she points out things that I’m not doing right.  I’m not really doing things wrong, last time I checked my children weren’t delivered with instruction manuals.  I might actually be doing everything right but I am not doing things the way she wants them done.  She doesn’t have any control over it so she has to say something to make me second guess myself.

Evidently, I haven’t always been like this.  I do remember when I was in high school and I was set on going to college.  It was a major university that was an hour and a half away from home.  I couldn’t wait to leave home.  I had a boyfriend that I had dated for a while and we had even talked about marrying when I finished school but half way through my senior year we broke up.  That story will have to wait.  Back to me having confidence that somewhere along the line I lost.

I worked hard to get into the college that I just had to go to.  It even took me a year to figure out that my parents weren’t there to control me.  My parents were very protective when I was growing up and I guess I was determined to get out of their house.  So I did.  It was great….then a friend from high school died and my grandfather died, all in the same weekend, my ex boyfriend from high school contacted me, I had to deal with all this and then I realized that I didn’t have mom and dad telling me where I could go and what I could do.  I started drinking.  I wasn’t taking classes because it was summer and I had gone to school from the fall of my senior year until the summer after my freshman year in college.  I was working but I was running up bills.  By the time fall rolled around, I had debt that I couldn’t figure out how to pay and I was back in classes.  My dad gave me a speech about making the grades and he would figure out the money but I knew he couldn’t afford my school.  So during Christmas break, he told me that I was moving home.  No choice, no discussion.  Just packed up….well kind of packed….if you call boxes and garbage bags packed.  You see because I had no choice I didn’t know that I was moving home until he told me and we went to get my things.  I was angry but I had no job, they had bought my car for me, I didn’t make the grades and I couldn’t argue.  I was raised to respect my elders and my parents, so I didn’t argue.  I moved home and found a job.

That was quite some time ago….but it was the beginning of a pattern.

I am working on breaking this pattern.  The post that will follow will not only give you more insight to who I am and how I got where I am but they will also show you how I am changing and how you can too.  I am not sure where to start so I am just starting somewhere.