Things I am learning…

When I returned home from my visit with my brother and sister in law, I was a bit defeated. However, I am learning more and more about what I want and what I do not.

I realized that they work for others and it works for them.  They make great money, they save and they have no children.  They travel and can do lots of things together.  They enjoy great food and drinks and being able to host others.

All those things are nice but they are not my life nor the direction that I want for myself.  I want to work for myself.  I would like to make good money and save some but I do have children and I enjoy them, most of the time.  I am laughing but I am also being real honest.  It is very important to me that my children see me happy and that they have a rounded world.  I do not want them to get hurt but I want them to live.  I want them to be able to play outside, regardless of their allergies, mosquitos, or the weather, within reason.  I want them to see that they do not have to work for anyone else to realize their dreams.  I want them to know that I will love them regardless of their career plans.

On Sunday, my brother made it a point to ask me if my son talks about what he wants to do.  I asked “like for a career and what college he wants to go to?” He said yes and I was dumbfounded.  I said that I do not push those decisions at this point and he got rather irritated with me and said “so you do not push him to think about his future?”  I did not argue with him but I wanted to say something about this being exactly why I did not want to move close to him and why I want to move away from our parents.  My son is 9 years old.  At this point, I know that he is going to work and be pressured for many, many years after he is an adult and I want him to be a kid while he is still a kid.

I have heard it said that you should never take travel advise from someone who has never left home and I am paying attention to the advice that I am receiving.  I have been home a few days now and things are sinking in.  I went there for positive reinforcement and I did not need too.  My plans are very different from how they live, so how can I expect them to offer advice on the life I want to live?

Depression sucks

I am an emotional disorganized mess.  Yes, I left the comma out of that sentence on purpose.  By that I mean that I clean up my house or work area according to my emotions.  A friend told me once that he could always tell my emotional state according to the mess on my desk.  Well, I have been through so much in the last few months that I have not wanted to do anything.  Yesterday, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and my therapist.  I haven’t seen either since the fall of last year.

I am on medication for depression.

Depression is a horrible thing.  It creeps up on you.  I cannot say that it is like a dark cloud unless we are talking about one that moves in at night.  Most dark clouds you can see coming.  They appear on the horizon and you can say “That looks like a dark cloud coming this way.  I better take cover” but this dark cloud called depression….it gives no warning.  One day you are holding everything together and the next you are emotional or angry about everything or both.  By everything, I mean everything.  It does not matter how small.  Everything upsets you in some way.  I went through a stress filled year about three years ago.  I held it together, got back on track and was trucking along when wham! All the sudden I am crying about everything and what I was not crying about I was mad about.  I went to the doctor.  She asked what was going on and I started crying.  She took one more look at me and said “you are depressed.”  I looked back at her and once I composed myself a bit said “but about what? I went through all this stuff and now things are better”.  She explained that the human body will only work on adrenaline for so long and then it starts shutting down.  I had been under so much stress for so long that mentally my body couldn’t take it.  I went on medication that day.  It has helped.

I believe it is still helping but with all the thoughts and plans of leaving my current home, the harassment at work, the guy that I like accusing me of having an affair with the harassing supervisor, and an ex that finally stopped calling after months of me not taking his calls.  I haven’t been cleaning like I should.  My desk was a mess at work until last Friday when I did some major cleaning.

Cleaning at home is another story.  I don’t know how to get moving on it.  I do some, and then get irritated because I have let it pile up.  Then I get ugly with my kids for not helping me, especially when I do clean it up.  Then the cycle repeats.

It is getting a little bit better now that I am blogging and sharing my stories in hope of helping someone else.  My stories are what is or has gone on with me and are my side of the story.  I am sure the other parties involved have their own version of these events.  For now, I am only interested in helping others who may be going through something similar as me and hope that by me telling my side they will see that they are not alone.  We are all going forward from this and I hope that reading my version of “this” will help you or someone you know.

More History

As I mentioned in my first blog, Just start somewhere, I was not always like this.  I was happier and more positive with dreams and aspirations a long time ago.  The beginning of the self doubt started my senior year in high school.  It probably started before this but this was the most prevalent time I can remember thinking negative self thoughts.

When I was in high school, as soon as I could start dating I met this guy.  He was good looking.  He was in school.  His dad had his own business.  We started dating and then his dad asked me to come to work for him.  It was just on the weekends but it was great money for a high school kid.  It was a petting zoo company and we went all over the area.  Sometimes I got to work with my boyfriend and his dad and sometimes I worked with other crews.  I loved it.  I loved the animals, the people I worked with, and the kids that would visit the petting zoos.  My boyfriend and I did not go to the same school and this was before the days of everyone having a cell phone.  We would go days without talking but when we did it was hours on end.  We would see each other when we could.  We dated for over a year when I got a call from his step mom……

He was accused of molesting his two step-brothers.  I was devastated.  I think this is where my self-doubt really started.  I mean, really I dated someone for a year and did not know that he was capable of doing that.  Luckily, I was strong in my desire at the time to wait until I was married to have sex and we never did.  When he would push the issue I would tell him that I did not want my first time to be followed by a week of not talking and then wonder if I had done something wrong.  We broke up.  After almost a year we were in contact again.  We talked on the phone and he sent me a letter.  It took a while for me to get the letter and I remember standing in a Catholic priest office cussing because I had not gotten the letter.  When I did get it, I realized that he had put me on a pedestal.  I did not want to be on a pedestal.  I wanted to get past it.  I wanted to know that he was ok.  I think what I wanted to know was that he did not do it, that we were both ok and that I had not made a bad decision in feeling the way I did for him.  I did not get any of that reassurance and years later he was prosecuted, convicted and is still in prison.

I remember the story being on the news and me thinking, finally I can talk about it openly.  It is still hard to believe that I had no clue.  But all of this is part of who I am and how I got where I am.  This helps to me to understand how people can be affected even when the action was not done directly to them.

I have gone forward for years and I keep going forward from this and many other things in my life that are and have been difficult.  I am living proof that you can too.


Hypocrite as defined by the Merriam-Webster is…

1) a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2) a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.

Tonight instead of sitting in on a sermon, I took my children to their classes and then I excused myself so that I could write.    I was so angry from my day that I couldn’t listen to anything else.  All I could think of is that I am surrounded by (and probably am one) hypocrites.

To clarify, I work for a friend from school.  He and his wife invited me and my children to church last October.  We went and my kids love it.  Now please don’t get me wrong, I like it too.  I like the people.  I love the sermons.  I do not like the fact that I work with and go to church with these people.  They just hired two other people that go to church with us.  I am all for helping others and the people seem to be doing a good job.  What I am not for is the fact that the owners come in and act vengeful, childish, and ignorant.  They, well the man, are quick to tell people what a “Christian” he is.  I am not writing this to offend anyone.  Please do not take this wrong.  I have always believed in God.  Please do not judge me but I was raised with 1/2 of my family as Catholics and the other 1/2 Methodist.  I also believe in saints, some Native American customs, the healing power of stones and colors, some astrology, some numerology, reflexology, cultures, and the great county that I live in and my ability to believe in all these things and more.   I also believe that we are all free to believe what we want.  Thank you to my father and other family members as well as any and all members of our military who fight for these rights that we enjoy here in the wonderful United States of America.

What I do not believe is that anyone should push their beliefs on to other people nor do I believe that anyone should walk around telling others how “Christian” that they are especially when their actions to not match that.  If you lie, cause chaos, are bitter, act in a vengeful way, are prejudice, and make an uncomfortable work environment for your employees, you might not be a Christian.  As owners, regardless of religious affiliation, you should be setting an example for everyone that works for you.  If you are a “Christian”, than you should be setting that example also.  Some people that I work with will not go to any church because working like this has turned them off.

I have questioned myself about all of these things and if this is what going to church and being Christian is, then I would rather go back to not attending.  How can people who preach to others about going to church and the bible be so mean? Do they not hear themselves?  What I have heard while attending this church is uplifting messages.  We should be lifting each other up and loving one another.  Not cutting people down.  We should not be angry or vengeful and faultfinding towards those who are flourishing.  If someone is helping the company and general morale of the company, shouldn’t we be building them up?

This is where I question if I am also a hypocrite.  I love these people.  Genuinely love and care about these people but because I work for them I won’t say anything to them about all the above issues.  In the past I have gotten caught up in the bitterness.  I have continually pointed out others faults under the direction of my bosses who used the fact that I am an assistant to them as an excuse for my behavior.  Am I wrong?  Should I say to them that I do not feel comfortable doing that anymore?  If I do say something, will my job be in jeopardy? If I don’t, will my soul?  Am I a hypocrite because I am judging them for their behavior?

I am angry, not with them but with myself because I have allowed myself to be put in this position. Maybe this is all part of the journey of figuring out who I am.  Maybe this is God’s way for showing me what I don’t want to be.  Maybe this is part of God’s plan to help me move forward and get out from under all this.  I’m not sure.  I do not believe that I am a hypocrite.  I do believe that I am right in loving these people.  I am a firm believer in 1 Cor 13; 13.

This post is not meant to offend anyone nor is it meant to judge anyone.  It is merely to help me and others out there in the world move forward.  In order for me to move forward I must get all of these things out in the open.  I hope that this post will also help others to see that they are not alone.

Please bear with me as these random things are posted.  Thank you for going forward with me.

I want….

Today was a hard day.  Not hard emotionally or physically, just hard because I did not want to be at work.  I wanted to be home, posting on here, cleaning house, making jewelry and listing things on eBay.  Yes, I am a multi-tasker.  I must have noise in the back ground but it has to be appropriate to what I am doing.  Like right now, I am watching re-runs of Criminal Minds (one of my favorite shows), I have eBay mobile open and I’m listing items while typing this.

My mentor discusses something she calls “multiple profit centers”.  I am working on it.  I am tired of working for someone else.  I want to make this work without a job, at least one where I am working my tail off to make someone else’s dreams come true.  It is time for my dreams to start coming true.  Two of my mentors have children and they ran their own businesses when they were raising their children and still run those businesses today.  So I know this can be done despite what all the critics and naysayers tell me.  I am working on it.  I am not only doing all of that but I am attempting to simplify my world.

Part of simplifying my world is to get rid of things that are just taking up space.  You see I have a life-long dream of having a small farm.  I want gardens and goats, rabbits and chickens.  I don’t want a big place just something small.  I thought I found that.  I rented a piece of property that I later signed papers on to purchase.  It has an old mobile home on it but it is almost ½ acre and plenty of room for what I want.  There is one HUGE obstacle.  My parents live on one side of me.  Now to clarify, I am not buying the place from them but they are right here.  It was nice for a while.  It has however, stifled me! I do not like it these days.

I want to dress how I want to dress and not have to listen to my mom tell me that it….shows too much, is too tight, does not match, that I need to do something with my hair, that it looks dry, that it looks oily, that my color is “okay”….I want to figure out who I am.  I want my children to be able to play outside.  I want my children to see me happy and for them to be happy.  I want to plant gardens in my front yard.  I want to have my dogs in the house when I want them there.  I have to change a lot of things in my world and theirs.  This is just the beginning of things to come.