I want….

Today was a hard day.  Not hard emotionally or physically, just hard because I did not want to be at work.  I wanted to be home, posting on here, cleaning house, making jewelry and listing things on eBay.  Yes, I am a multi-tasker.  I must have noise in the back ground but it has to be appropriate to what I am doing.  Like right now, I am watching re-runs of Criminal Minds (one of my favorite shows), I have eBay mobile open and I’m listing items while typing this.

My mentor discusses something she calls “multiple profit centers”.  I am working on it.  I am tired of working for someone else.  I want to make this work without a job, at least one where I am working my tail off to make someone else’s dreams come true.  It is time for my dreams to start coming true.  Two of my mentors have children and they ran their own businesses when they were raising their children and still run those businesses today.  So I know this can be done despite what all the critics and naysayers tell me.  I am working on it.  I am not only doing all of that but I am attempting to simplify my world.

Part of simplifying my world is to get rid of things that are just taking up space.  You see I have a life-long dream of having a small farm.  I want gardens and goats, rabbits and chickens.  I don’t want a big place just something small.  I thought I found that.  I rented a piece of property that I later signed papers on to purchase.  It has an old mobile home on it but it is almost ½ acre and plenty of room for what I want.  There is one HUGE obstacle.  My parents live on one side of me.  Now to clarify, I am not buying the place from them but they are right here.  It was nice for a while.  It has however, stifled me! I do not like it these days.

I want to dress how I want to dress and not have to listen to my mom tell me that it….shows too much, is too tight, does not match, that I need to do something with my hair, that it looks dry, that it looks oily, that my color is “okay”….I want to figure out who I am.  I want my children to be able to play outside.  I want my children to see me happy and for them to be happy.  I want to plant gardens in my front yard.  I want to have my dogs in the house when I want them there.  I have to change a lot of things in my world and theirs.  This is just the beginning of things to come.

 

Just start somewhere

I am not sure where to start with all this.  I am new to blogging and this poses a dilemma for me.

In the past, I wouldn’t consider myself a perfectionist but these days I have to wonder.  I find fault in many things.  I am negative about things that I do.  I am negative about things that I’m not doing because I am not doing them.  Sometimes I find fault in silly little stuff, other times it is big things. Lol, well at least they seem big to me.  Usually, the faults I find are with everything that I do but sometimes it is in other people’s work.  More often than not, I get so wrapped up in the idea that something I do might be messed up, that I won’t even bother trying.

A friend of mine encouraged me to write this blog.

You see, I am so worried about messing things up because my mom will find fault in just about anything that I do.  I can clean something spotless but when she walks in she will find something wrong.  I have two kids and while she praises me for some things, she points out things that I’m not doing right.  I’m not really doing things wrong, last time I checked my children weren’t delivered with instruction manuals.  I might actually be doing everything right but I am not doing things the way she wants them done.  She doesn’t have any control over it so she has to say something to make me second guess myself.

Evidently, I haven’t always been like this.  I do remember when I was in high school and I was set on going to college.  It was a major university that was an hour and a half away from home.  I couldn’t wait to leave home.  I had a boyfriend that I had dated for a while and we had even talked about marrying when I finished school but half way through my senior year we broke up.  That story will have to wait.  Back to me having confidence that somewhere along the line I lost.

I worked hard to get into the college that I just had to go to.  It even took me a year to figure out that my parents weren’t there to control me.  My parents were very protective when I was growing up and I guess I was determined to get out of their house.  So I did.  It was great….then a friend from high school died and my grandfather died, all in the same weekend, my ex boyfriend from high school contacted me, I had to deal with all this and then I realized that I didn’t have mom and dad telling me where I could go and what I could do.  I started drinking.  I wasn’t taking classes because it was summer and I had gone to school from the fall of my senior year until the summer after my freshman year in college.  I was working but I was running up bills.  By the time fall rolled around, I had debt that I couldn’t figure out how to pay and I was back in classes.  My dad gave me a speech about making the grades and he would figure out the money but I knew he couldn’t afford my school.  So during Christmas break, he told me that I was moving home.  No choice, no discussion.  Just packed up….well kind of packed….if you call boxes and garbage bags packed.  You see because I had no choice I didn’t know that I was moving home until he told me and we went to get my things.  I was angry but I had no job, they had bought my car for me, I didn’t make the grades and I couldn’t argue.  I was raised to respect my elders and my parents, so I didn’t argue.  I moved home and found a job.

That was quite some time ago….but it was the beginning of a pattern.

I am working on breaking this pattern.  The post that will follow will not only give you more insight to who I am and how I got where I am but they will also show you how I am changing and how you can too.  I am not sure where to start so I am just starting somewhere.