Classes…..

I am so excited about my classes.  I was asked to attend a backyard chicken class last month but things didn’t work out for me to attend that class.  To my surprise however, they did work out for me to begin aromatherapy classes.  I have since also registered for reflexology classes.  Have I mentioned how excited I am? 

I hope this is the beginning of a wonderful week for everyone.  I will be starting my reflexology courses this coming up weekend. 

Keep moving forward! 

Advertisements

Depression sucks

I am an emotional disorganized mess.  Yes, I left the comma out of that sentence on purpose.  By that I mean that I clean up my house or work area according to my emotions.  A friend told me once that he could always tell my emotional state according to the mess on my desk.  Well, I have been through so much in the last few months that I have not wanted to do anything.  Yesterday, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and my therapist.  I haven’t seen either since the fall of last year.

I am on medication for depression.

Depression is a horrible thing.  It creeps up on you.  I cannot say that it is like a dark cloud unless we are talking about one that moves in at night.  Most dark clouds you can see coming.  They appear on the horizon and you can say “That looks like a dark cloud coming this way.  I better take cover” but this dark cloud called depression….it gives no warning.  One day you are holding everything together and the next you are emotional or angry about everything or both.  By everything, I mean everything.  It does not matter how small.  Everything upsets you in some way.  I went through a stress filled year about three years ago.  I held it together, got back on track and was trucking along when wham! All the sudden I am crying about everything and what I was not crying about I was mad about.  I went to the doctor.  She asked what was going on and I started crying.  She took one more look at me and said “you are depressed.”  I looked back at her and once I composed myself a bit said “but about what? I went through all this stuff and now things are better”.  She explained that the human body will only work on adrenaline for so long and then it starts shutting down.  I had been under so much stress for so long that mentally my body couldn’t take it.  I went on medication that day.  It has helped.

I believe it is still helping but with all the thoughts and plans of leaving my current home, the harassment at work, the guy that I like accusing me of having an affair with the harassing supervisor, and an ex that finally stopped calling after months of me not taking his calls.  I haven’t been cleaning like I should.  My desk was a mess at work until last Friday when I did some major cleaning.

Cleaning at home is another story.  I don’t know how to get moving on it.  I do some, and then get irritated because I have let it pile up.  Then I get ugly with my kids for not helping me, especially when I do clean it up.  Then the cycle repeats.

It is getting a little bit better now that I am blogging and sharing my stories in hope of helping someone else.  My stories are what is or has gone on with me and are my side of the story.  I am sure the other parties involved have their own version of these events.  For now, I am only interested in helping others who may be going through something similar as me and hope that by me telling my side they will see that they are not alone.  We are all going forward from this and I hope that reading my version of “this” will help you or someone you know.

More History

As I mentioned in my first blog, Just start somewhere, I was not always like this.  I was happier and more positive with dreams and aspirations a long time ago.  The beginning of the self doubt started my senior year in high school.  It probably started before this but this was the most prevalent time I can remember thinking negative self thoughts.

When I was in high school, as soon as I could start dating I met this guy.  He was good looking.  He was in school.  His dad had his own business.  We started dating and then his dad asked me to come to work for him.  It was just on the weekends but it was great money for a high school kid.  It was a petting zoo company and we went all over the area.  Sometimes I got to work with my boyfriend and his dad and sometimes I worked with other crews.  I loved it.  I loved the animals, the people I worked with, and the kids that would visit the petting zoos.  My boyfriend and I did not go to the same school and this was before the days of everyone having a cell phone.  We would go days without talking but when we did it was hours on end.  We would see each other when we could.  We dated for over a year when I got a call from his step mom……

He was accused of molesting his two step-brothers.  I was devastated.  I think this is where my self-doubt really started.  I mean, really I dated someone for a year and did not know that he was capable of doing that.  Luckily, I was strong in my desire at the time to wait until I was married to have sex and we never did.  When he would push the issue I would tell him that I did not want my first time to be followed by a week of not talking and then wonder if I had done something wrong.  We broke up.  After almost a year we were in contact again.  We talked on the phone and he sent me a letter.  It took a while for me to get the letter and I remember standing in a Catholic priest office cussing because I had not gotten the letter.  When I did get it, I realized that he had put me on a pedestal.  I did not want to be on a pedestal.  I wanted to get past it.  I wanted to know that he was ok.  I think what I wanted to know was that he did not do it, that we were both ok and that I had not made a bad decision in feeling the way I did for him.  I did not get any of that reassurance and years later he was prosecuted, convicted and is still in prison.

I remember the story being on the news and me thinking, finally I can talk about it openly.  It is still hard to believe that I had no clue.  But all of this is part of who I am and how I got where I am.  This helps to me to understand how people can be affected even when the action was not done directly to them.

I have gone forward for years and I keep going forward from this and many other things in my life that are and have been difficult.  I am living proof that you can too.

A little bit of positivity

I have posted so many negative things going on that I wanted to post a few positive things.

I am going forward from this but it is a slow process.  It is so slow that it is more like a crawl and I don’t mean like a baby crawls.  I mean like a turtle or a snail or slug.  “Slow and steady wins the race”, right? I sure hope so because this is slow but steady progress.

A while back I opened an eBay account.  I believe that people make money on eBay and I wanted to sell things around my house with a future goal of purchasing items on sale or clearance and selling those items.  I sold some items but then quit doing it.  A little over a week ago, I listed 4 items on eBay.  All of those items have sold and I will be shipping them out tomorrow.  I hadn’t listed anything for over a year and I think this is just further confirmation that I am headed in the right direction.

On April 8th, I purchased Be a Free Range Human by Marianne Cantwell.  I had previously started reading a sample of it and completed the purchase on this day.  I have found, and it has been said that the only way to get the most out of this type of book is to do the exercises.  I have been doing them.  This book is wonderful.  I highly recommend it to anyone thinking of leaving the “job” world or if you are thinking of starting a side business.  It is an easy read and the exercises are great.  They are revealing and definite confirmation if you have ever done any exercises like this before.

I am going forward from all this.  Stick with me and we will do this together.  If you are looking to go forward from this (whatever “this” might be for you), keep reading and moving even if it is at a snails’ pace.

I want….

Today was a hard day.  Not hard emotionally or physically, just hard because I did not want to be at work.  I wanted to be home, posting on here, cleaning house, making jewelry and listing things on eBay.  Yes, I am a multi-tasker.  I must have noise in the back ground but it has to be appropriate to what I am doing.  Like right now, I am watching re-runs of Criminal Minds (one of my favorite shows), I have eBay mobile open and I’m listing items while typing this.

My mentor discusses something she calls “multiple profit centers”.  I am working on it.  I am tired of working for someone else.  I want to make this work without a job, at least one where I am working my tail off to make someone else’s dreams come true.  It is time for my dreams to start coming true.  Two of my mentors have children and they ran their own businesses when they were raising their children and still run those businesses today.  So I know this can be done despite what all the critics and naysayers tell me.  I am working on it.  I am not only doing all of that but I am attempting to simplify my world.

Part of simplifying my world is to get rid of things that are just taking up space.  You see I have a life-long dream of having a small farm.  I want gardens and goats, rabbits and chickens.  I don’t want a big place just something small.  I thought I found that.  I rented a piece of property that I later signed papers on to purchase.  It has an old mobile home on it but it is almost ½ acre and plenty of room for what I want.  There is one HUGE obstacle.  My parents live on one side of me.  Now to clarify, I am not buying the place from them but they are right here.  It was nice for a while.  It has however, stifled me! I do not like it these days.

I want to dress how I want to dress and not have to listen to my mom tell me that it….shows too much, is too tight, does not match, that I need to do something with my hair, that it looks dry, that it looks oily, that my color is “okay”….I want to figure out who I am.  I want my children to be able to play outside.  I want my children to see me happy and for them to be happy.  I want to plant gardens in my front yard.  I want to have my dogs in the house when I want them there.  I have to change a lot of things in my world and theirs.  This is just the beginning of things to come.

 

Just start somewhere

I am not sure where to start with all this.  I am new to blogging and this poses a dilemma for me.

In the past, I wouldn’t consider myself a perfectionist but these days I have to wonder.  I find fault in many things.  I am negative about things that I do.  I am negative about things that I’m not doing because I am not doing them.  Sometimes I find fault in silly little stuff, other times it is big things. Lol, well at least they seem big to me.  Usually, the faults I find are with everything that I do but sometimes it is in other people’s work.  More often than not, I get so wrapped up in the idea that something I do might be messed up, that I won’t even bother trying.

A friend of mine encouraged me to write this blog.

You see, I am so worried about messing things up because my mom will find fault in just about anything that I do.  I can clean something spotless but when she walks in she will find something wrong.  I have two kids and while she praises me for some things, she points out things that I’m not doing right.  I’m not really doing things wrong, last time I checked my children weren’t delivered with instruction manuals.  I might actually be doing everything right but I am not doing things the way she wants them done.  She doesn’t have any control over it so she has to say something to make me second guess myself.

Evidently, I haven’t always been like this.  I do remember when I was in high school and I was set on going to college.  It was a major university that was an hour and a half away from home.  I couldn’t wait to leave home.  I had a boyfriend that I had dated for a while and we had even talked about marrying when I finished school but half way through my senior year we broke up.  That story will have to wait.  Back to me having confidence that somewhere along the line I lost.

I worked hard to get into the college that I just had to go to.  It even took me a year to figure out that my parents weren’t there to control me.  My parents were very protective when I was growing up and I guess I was determined to get out of their house.  So I did.  It was great….then a friend from high school died and my grandfather died, all in the same weekend, my ex boyfriend from high school contacted me, I had to deal with all this and then I realized that I didn’t have mom and dad telling me where I could go and what I could do.  I started drinking.  I wasn’t taking classes because it was summer and I had gone to school from the fall of my senior year until the summer after my freshman year in college.  I was working but I was running up bills.  By the time fall rolled around, I had debt that I couldn’t figure out how to pay and I was back in classes.  My dad gave me a speech about making the grades and he would figure out the money but I knew he couldn’t afford my school.  So during Christmas break, he told me that I was moving home.  No choice, no discussion.  Just packed up….well kind of packed….if you call boxes and garbage bags packed.  You see because I had no choice I didn’t know that I was moving home until he told me and we went to get my things.  I was angry but I had no job, they had bought my car for me, I didn’t make the grades and I couldn’t argue.  I was raised to respect my elders and my parents, so I didn’t argue.  I moved home and found a job.

That was quite some time ago….but it was the beginning of a pattern.

I am working on breaking this pattern.  The post that will follow will not only give you more insight to who I am and how I got where I am but they will also show you how I am changing and how you can too.  I am not sure where to start so I am just starting somewhere.